TWTB – Chapter 5: Living Forever

Chapter 5: Living Forever

  1  Now we get to the book of the generations of Adam. And there are a shit-ton of them. See, in the day that God created the First Dude, He made Adam in the likeness of Himself.

2  God made Adam just as he did Eve, male and female, the ever-troublesome dichotomy of two genders, since time immemorial.

3  Adam lives 130 years and has Seth. That’s right, 130 fucking years. In the time of before today. Anyways, Seth was in the likeness of Adam, and you can begin to sense a trend that will be mentioned a few hundred more times.

4  Get this: Adam lives 800 years after he has Seth, more sons and daughters to follow, naturally. But 800 years?! This is before medicine, technology, and most types of agriculture! Not to mention that we’re all in the times before really figuring out how to entertain ourselves (no Netflix or Wi-Fi!). Feel that “faith” thing starting to be needed here?

5  Adam went down for the count after 930 years. Now, if they’re actually years like you and I know they are, this is where the phrase “suspension of disbelief” can be understood better than your many college English professors who couldn’t get it through your thick skull.

6  Our hero, Seth, lives to 105 “years” and begat Enos. Begat. yep, we talk like that here.

7  Seth lives for 807 years after having Enos, who begat many offspring, both male and female. Seth had a fairly successful career, starring in many Hollywood comedies and also the highly-underrated FOX sitcom, Dads.

8  Seth kicked the bucket at the young age of 912 years. Couldn’t make it to a full millennium, that lazy bastard.

9  Over to Enos now, who lived only 90 years and then had Cainan. Enos was a young lil’ turk, blossoming quite early in comparison with his predecessors.

10  It’s important to note that there are a lot of names coming up, most of which will cause you to lose focus and check your Twitter feed for Kardashian updates. Enos lived 815 years more after he begat Cainan! And then more sons and daughters. However, only the sons are important right now.

11  Enos made it to 905 years, also a lazy bastard. He died on a Tuesday, pretty much the best day of the week to die on. Think about it: your weekend is over, you’ve already caught excellent Sunday night programming on HBO, and you’re dead, so you don’t have to put in a full workweek. #winning

12  Cainan was a good dude, he made it to 905 years also. Perhaps there’s something to this number of 905, I dunno. Maybe read further and hover over the subtext a little.

13  When Cainan was 70, he had Mahalaleel, and then spent the last 840 years of his life making Internet memes about this awful name choice. And Mahalaleel’s name ended up being so inspirational, he preceded ROTFLMGDAO, LOL, and the airborne ROFLcopter.

14  Cainan died at his keyboard at the age of 910. He did not remember to delete his browser history.

15  Mahalaleel put his videogames down early in life, and at the age of 65, he got with the boning of fine, young ladies. He was the father to Jared, a future fatass.

16  Mahalaleel then got an Xbox One and he never answered his text messages again. He lasted 830 years this way. Fatass Jared, however, found a pleasantly-plump lifemate and the two mounds of ground-round began the pounding of their genitals.

17  After killing almost all of his fellow teammates in Call Of Duty: Ghosts, Mahalaleel was murdered by Username Die_Now_Already93 at the innocent age of 905.

18  Here comes Fatass again. Jared became the 162-year-old new father of Enoch. And the Bad Name Train kept steaming down the tracks.

19  This son of a bitch Jared lives another 800 damn years, all the while popping out little fatties left and right.

20  Finally, Jared dies at 962, also joining the Failed-To-Make-It-A-Full-Millenia club.

21  The most-excellent Enoch lived to 65 and had a kid named Methuselah, who was almost immediately cast in the off-Broadway revival of BREAKING BAD: THE MUSICAL. Let’s pause for a  moment while that one hits.

22  As Enoch was early to depart this planet, in that he died, he says to himself on his deathbed, “I suck. Only 365 years? Yeeeesh.” Good thing Methuselah had some childrens of his own to carry on the “legacy.”

23  So again, Enoch dies at the age of 365.

24  Enoch walked with God, this means that Enoch was dead. Like that hamster you never fed back in Hebrew school. You murderer.

25  Here we go with the amazing aging again. And the silly alliterations, too. Methuselah cranks a dusty load out into an unnamed woman on his 187th year, having a newborn named Lamech.

26  Naturally, Methuselah goes on another 782 years, cranking out more dusty loads, yielding more offspring.

27  Ol’ Dusty Load-Jizzer Methuselah boner didn’t last but 969 years. Dead now, there was still a totally gross rigor mortis situation.

28  And then there’s Lamech: 182 years and time for a baby.

29  Lamech got back to a name that was totes O.G., picking Noah as his new son’s moniker. Regarding this, Lamech said, “Blah-blah comfort, yada-yada toil, blah-blah hard work, I’m so important and good at naming babies, all because of the ground which Captain SKYLORD done cursed.” There were narcissists back then, too.

30  So Lamech dances around for another 590 years, having more kids. Great, just what we need at this juncture in human history.

31  Lamech lived 777 years, ironically dying on the way to Las Vegas to play his first slot machine.

32  The well-named Noah was 500 years at this point. Or something. He had kids that were named Huey, Duey, and Louie. Ducktales, a whoo-oo! Alright, already, geez. Take the fun out of it, why don’t you? His kids were actually named Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

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Next week: Chapter 6…teaser! Coming February 12!

TWTB – Chapter 4: Cain, Et Al.

CHAPTER 4: Cain, Et Al.

  1  And Adam got down with Eve, finally. There was no real birth-control back then (even the idea of pulling out hadn’t really been conceived yet). So she got preggers and had Cain soon after, her first born. Upon Cain’s arrival, she said, “The LORD has allowed me to have a little boy. Now I don’t have to worry about raising a bratty teenage girl!”

2  After Adam and Eve got down again, Abel was soon born thereafter. They were both doers: Abel kept sheep, Cain tilled the ground. Brothers for life!

3  Cain was grateful, and harvested all the fruits of his labor, and offered it unto the LORD God as thanks. As to how much God actually took, historians differ on the actual percentages of gross taxable income God required. Uh, so sayeth the LORD.

4  Not to be outdone, Abel offered the firstlings (sure, why not) of his flock and all the fat of the land. The LORD was pleased and felt special.

5  Here’s the rub: the LORD wasn’t really digging Cain’s offering. Naturally, Cain was distraught by this slight from his God. Cain came down with a serious case of the sads.

6  Upon seeing this, the LORD asked Cain, “What’s the deal, man? You’re sad, but I need to know why.”

7  (CONT’D) “Dude, if you did well, shouldn’t you accept that much? Just the same, if you’re not putting up 20 and 10 every night, you should be pissed. You’re a starting forward here on my team. You’ve gotta master controlling your mood and stuff. Bad things happen when you don’t accept things.

8  Cain went to rap with his brother about this. When the two sat down over beers after a hard day at work, Cain wasn’t having any of Abel. Cain got the best of Abel in that barfight, and Abel was no more. This was the world’s first homicide.

9  Later, the LORD asked Cain where Abel was. Abel replied, “My God, I don’t know where he is. I’m not his keeper, or his secretary for that matter, either. Geez.”

10  Detecting a bit of smartassery, LORD God called Cain’s out, “What’ve you done, jackass?” Seriously, what have you done? Your brother cries from his grave!”

11  (CONT’D) Now I curse you from this planet. This very planet in the Solar System that got here some other way and the very planet that inhabits your dead brother. Things is dark!

12  Captain Obvious went on, “You’re totes a criminal, dude. No matter what else you do on this green-and-blue planet, that’s just some shit you can’t live down, Homes.”

13  Cain spoke up, “This is jacked up. I can’t deal with this noise right now. You’re harsh, God.”

14  “Here’s the deal, everyone,” Cain said to himself, not detecting the irony of his announcement. “So now I’m a fugitive, a vagabond, and pretty much a no good son of a bitch, or so sayeth the LORD God. Fucking kill me already.”

15  God was being a complicated dick that day. He says, “Alright, let me confuse y’all further. If you off Cain, vengeance shall be taken on you seven times worse. Because I created all of this, and I’m going to have some fun after this dude killed his bro-bro. And then the LORD tatted up Cain real nice-like, and Cain did have to go door-to-door to tell his neighbors that he was moving into their ‘hood.

16  Cain left the LORD, screwed around in the land of Nod, which was just east of Eden. He ran out of paper supplies pretty fast and made a note to pick up supplies at the Costco that weekend.

17  Cain and his wife got down; they had a son, Enoch. Great name, huh? It was such a great name that he built a city in his own name. Narcissistic, much?

18  After the city-naming ceremony, Cristal was drank at the club that night. Fiddy and Diddy showed up, and those dudes had words, talkin’ ‘bout Ciroc or Vitamin Water or some such nonsense. The next morning, Enoch’s family tree branched out: Enoch had Irad, who had Mehujael, who had Methusael, who had Lamech. Let it be known that the first book of baby names had not yet been published.

19  Lamech was a confident dude and a plan. He had two wives, Adah and Zillah. That was going to work out just fine, he thought to himself.

20  Adah got preggers first, Jabal was her son’s name. Jabal was the father of such as dwell in tents and of such as have cattle, whatever in the fresh hell those things mean.

21  Where there was Jabal, Adah had Jubal. Again, no book of baby names. Let’s just change a single vowel! Jubal owned the music store in town when he grew up, specializing in harps and organs. Not those organs, pervert.

22  Now let’s talk about Zillah. Taking notes, yet? You should be, this is all on the final exam. Zillah bore Tubal-cain, who became an a teacher and craftsman of all things brass and iron, like a Blacksmith, only they didn’t use such slang before the Old West. And then, Tubal-cain’s sister came out of Zillah, her name was Naamah. Ugh.

23  Lamech called a family meeting, bringing together Adah and Zillah. “Hear me now, women, for I am your husband, and I am awesome. Also, I killed this one guy to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.”

24  If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, you’ve got to know that Lamech be avenged 77-fold. Because that’s a thing now.

25  Back to Adam, the First Dude. He had a romantic night with Eve, and she preggers and had Seth. So maybe normal names were back in vogue now. “God was pretty nice to let me have another kid, to replace the heartache of Abel’s death, whom Cain slew.”

26  Seth became a man and had his own offspring named Enos. Seth and his ilk then began men to call upon the name of the LORD, and it wasn’t just for a payday loan.

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Next week: Chapter 5…teaser! Coming February 5!