Chapter 5: Living Forever
1 Now we get to the book of the generations of Adam. And there are a shit-ton of them. See, in the day that God created the First Dude, He made Adam in the likeness of Himself.
2 God made Adam just as he did Eve, male and female, the ever-troublesome dichotomy of two genders, since time immemorial.
3 Adam lives 130 years and has Seth. That’s right, 130 fucking years. In the time of before today. Anyways, Seth was in the likeness of Adam, and you can begin to sense a trend that will be mentioned a few hundred more times.
4 Get this: Adam lives 800 years after he has Seth, more sons and daughters to follow, naturally. But 800 years?! This is before medicine, technology, and most types of agriculture! Not to mention that we’re all in the times before really figuring out how to entertain ourselves (no Netflix or Wi-Fi!). Feel that “faith” thing starting to be needed here?
5 Adam went down for the count after 930 years. Now, if they’re actually years like you and I know they are, this is where the phrase “suspension of disbelief” can be understood better than your many college English professors who couldn’t get it through your thick skull.
6 Our hero, Seth, lives to 105 “years” and begat Enos. Begat. yep, we talk like that here.
7 Seth lives for 807 years after having Enos, who begat many offspring, both male and female. Seth had a fairly successful career, starring in many Hollywood comedies and also the highly-underrated FOX sitcom, Dads.
8 Seth kicked the bucket at the young age of 912 years. Couldn’t make it to a full millennium, that lazy bastard.
9 Over to Enos now, who lived only 90 years and then had Cainan. Enos was a young lil’ turk, blossoming quite early in comparison with his predecessors.
10 It’s important to note that there are a lot of names coming up, most of which will cause you to lose focus and check your Twitter feed for Kardashian updates. Enos lived 815 years more after he begat Cainan! And then more sons and daughters. However, only the sons are important right now.
11 Enos made it to 905 years, also a lazy bastard. He died on a Tuesday, pretty much the best day of the week to die on. Think about it: your weekend is over, you’ve already caught excellent Sunday night programming on HBO, and you’re dead, so you don’t have to put in a full workweek. #winning
12 Cainan was a good dude, he made it to 905 years also. Perhaps there’s something to this number of 905, I dunno. Maybe read further and hover over the subtext a little.
13 When Cainan was 70, he had Mahalaleel, and then spent the last 840 years of his life making Internet memes about this awful name choice. And Mahalaleel’s name ended up being so inspirational, he preceded ROTFLMGDAO, LOL, and the airborne ROFLcopter.
14 Cainan died at his keyboard at the age of 910. He did not remember to delete his browser history.
15 Mahalaleel put his videogames down early in life, and at the age of 65, he got with the boning of fine, young ladies. He was the father to Jared, a future fatass.
16 Mahalaleel then got an Xbox One and he never answered his text messages again. He lasted 830 years this way. Fatass Jared, however, found a pleasantly-plump lifemate and the two mounds of ground-round began the pounding of their genitals.
17 After killing almost all of his fellow teammates in Call Of Duty: Ghosts, Mahalaleel was murdered by Username Die_Now_Already93 at the innocent age of 905.
18 Here comes Fatass again. Jared became the 162-year-old new father of Enoch. And the Bad Name Train kept steaming down the tracks.
19 This son of a bitch Jared lives another 800 damn years, all the while popping out little fatties left and right.
20 Finally, Jared dies at 962, also joining the Failed-To-Make-It-A-Full-Millenia club.
21 The most-excellent Enoch lived to 65 and had a kid named Methuselah, who was almost immediately cast in the off-Broadway revival of BREAKING BAD: THE MUSICAL. Let’s pause for a moment while that one hits.
22 As Enoch was early to depart this planet, in that he died, he says to himself on his deathbed, “I suck. Only 365 years? Yeeeesh.” Good thing Methuselah had some childrens of his own to carry on the “legacy.”
23 So again, Enoch dies at the age of 365.
24 Enoch walked with God, this means that Enoch was dead. Like that hamster you never fed back in Hebrew school. You murderer.
25 Here we go with the amazing aging again. And the silly alliterations, too. Methuselah cranks a dusty load out into an unnamed woman on his 187th year, having a newborn named Lamech.
26 Naturally, Methuselah goes on another 782 years, cranking out more dusty loads, yielding more offspring.
27 Ol’ Dusty Load-Jizzer Methuselah boner didn’t last but 969 years. Dead now, there was still a totally gross rigor mortis situation.
28 And then there’s Lamech: 182 years and time for a baby.
29 Lamech got back to a name that was totes O.G., picking Noah as his new son’s moniker. Regarding this, Lamech said, “Blah-blah comfort, yada-yada toil, blah-blah hard work, I’m so important and good at naming babies, all because of the ground which Captain SKYLORD done cursed.” There were narcissists back then, too.
30 So Lamech dances around for another 590 years, having more kids. Great, just what we need at this juncture in human history.
31 Lamech lived 777 years, ironically dying on the way to Las Vegas to play his first slot machine.
32 The well-named Noah was 500 years at this point. Or something. He had kids that were named Huey, Duey, and Louie. Ducktales, a whoo-oo! Alright, already, geez. Take the fun out of it, why don’t you? His kids were actually named Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
Next week: Chapter 6…teaser! Coming February 12!