The 2014 Golden Globes
ADULT LANGUAGE WILL FOLLOW, READER DISCRETION ADVISED…
NOW LET’S WATCH SOME MEANINGLESS AWARDS!
(scroll down for more, this is in chronological order)
Welcome to the first time I ever try live-satire, except for that time I was coerced into going into Cabo with someone half my size to win a really big bet. A few hundred dollars later, I guess that makes this the second time.
I love Amy Poehler. She can’t do wrong. Later in the show, she’ll fist-fight Amy Adams for the best and tightest dress award. I hope it will be a tie.
Lots of talking. Hey, there’s Marty Scorsese. He wishes he was anywhere else.
Of course Jennifer Lawrence won. She’s got more awards than Liberace had boxes of Wheat Thins in his pantry. Seriously! Didn’t you realize Liberace enjoyed Wheat Thins? I mean, they are delicious.
Mila Kunis wins for “Best Use of Reynolds Wrap”.
So there’s a lot of celebrities there tonight. I bet each plate costs upwards of $6.99 per person.
I have no idea who Jacqueline Bisset is. It looks like she takes her shit seriously, so I’m happy for her but still wishes she was sitting closer to the stage and would now get off the stage. At least she said an audible “shit”. Way to go, Puritanical network censors of naughty language. #Midwest
Alright, not everyone has began drinking. You can tell by how serious everyone is trying to be and read their cue cards accurately. Watts and Ruffalo look more stiff than Clinton’s 2nd Administration.
Oh hi, let’s have all the winners sit in the back. We want this to be a 17-hour telecast.
Elizabeth Moss totally deserved her win. Top Of The Lake was electric and haunting. She’s aces, no joke.
Matt Damon is on stage now probably because he acted for a few minutes with Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, and now gets to present Captain Phillips as a movie. Not the whole movie, just some weird 45-second best-of clip. I don’t know why they spend time doing this. It’s so important. IT’S SO IMPORTANT.
I’ve gotta piss and change my laundry. Back in a few.
What, you thought Bryan Cranston wasn’t going to win? Well he did. Now, more morons reading a teleprompter (one of them is Harvey Two-Face).
(scroll down for more, this is still in chronological order)
Yay, Breaking Bad. I might be in the minority here, but I’m glad the show is over. Let them get these accolades and then let’s move on…move on to our crowd-funded grassroots campaign to get a second season of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Let’s do this, especially since Aaron Sorkin seems really hesitant to do a third season of The Newsroom.
Every fucking winner has to walk from the back. WHAT IS THIS?
I’m very happy for Llewyn Davis and his award, whatever in the hell it is for.
I almost want to quit doing this and go do anything else. I like awards shows a lot, and this one of going by really slow and is so boring.
The Mandela movie is quite good. You should go see it. Idris Elba is amazing.
I’m sure Ray Donovan is a good show. I just don’t care about it. Good for Jon Voight, maybe this will get him more work in Hollywood.
I will go see Her solely because of how convincing Olivia Wilde just described the logline.
RDJ knows how to have fun. HE DOESN’T TAKE HIMSELF SERIOUSLY. Have fun, jerks!
Amy Adams, damn. How great are redheads, everyone? I mean, damn.
Before tonight’s telecast began, I tricked myself into thinking Bruce Vilanch wouldn’t be the writer of all the jokes in this show. I was so fucking wrong.
It’s fun when the winners get to the stage and are out of breath. The production of this show is a catastrophe.
Solid double-up-the-middle joke from Jim Carrey about Shia LeBeouf.
Jared Leto. This is a great thing in all truth, him winning. Dallas Buyers Club was a terrific movie…go see it somehow. It’s not going to win any Oscars, because it’s that one movie that took forever to get made and just isn’t quite on the level of winning those…regardless, it’s great storytelling and it makes you forget your own life for two hours, which is the whole point of going to see a movie.
(yes, it’s still going. keep scrolling…)
Spike Jonze is an amazing artist. I’m considering calling sick to work tomorrow to go see Her. PLEASE BE GOOD, Her.
Good for Andy Samberg. The pilot of Brooklyn Nine-Nine was really good. I guess he’s better than the other nominees. His work with Lonely Island is fun, too. I still don’t totally get him. He was great in his interview on the Marc Maron podcast last week, so that’s fun. Fun times!
Ugh. There’s another hour and a half of this?
Michael Douglas wins for “Goatee Most Likely To Be Near Sweet, Young Ass”.
AMY POEHLER!! This is the best win tonight. It’s about fucking time!
I can’t tell if that’s Diane Keaton or Paul McCartney. Great for Woody Allen, though. That dude is a writing machine.
Gravity was also really great. In the theater, anyways. The IMAX made it mesmerizing, even if…well, I’m not going to ruin it for you. Not everyone’s seen it yet.
I love Bruce Dern, but am pretty sure he has no idea where the hell he is right now.
Reese Witherspoon is STILL beautiful. DAMN.
I’ve been up since 3am and I seriously don’t give a fuck about this show anymore. That said, I’m going to stick it out until the bloody end.
American Hustle, nice win. I’ve gotta go see this one too, it looks worth $9.50. What a great cast, seriously.
Cate Blanchett is stunning. What a great career she’s had and will continue to have. I love that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Judy Garland was applied with barbiturates?
Matthew McConaughey for the win! This is his year, man. I loved Dallas Buyers Club, what a ride it was.
If this is how serious the Golden Globes were this year, I’m already going to tap out of the Academy Awards. Art is wonderful, art is precious, but some things on television are just unbearable.
Congratulations to Steven McQueen and everyone involved with 12 Years A Slave.
This was definitely an experience. Thanks for sticking with me the whole three hours, or however the hell long this was. I know now why I hate those bullshit entertainment shows and most of the programming on the E! network. I’d just rather be writing and creating stories that are of my own instead of reporting on shit that isn’t.
Good night from Phoenix!